Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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