Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize