you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
