I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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