It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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