They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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