Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
