4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We have started to decorate penises.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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