I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
