I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
