I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
