Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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