we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
