cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
