I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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