Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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