I think I won the penis lottery.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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