Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
