At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
