He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
