allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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