I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
