I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
