i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
