Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
