The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
