Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So vagazzling was a success
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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