I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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