And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
