I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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