Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
