forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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