Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
