what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
