Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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