Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
