i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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