Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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