i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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