So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
