Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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