Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
