Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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