We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
