the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
