forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You pole danced in your parka.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
