the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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