I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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