i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
