if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
