I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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