remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
