No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
