I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
