I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
