she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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